I had a client come in recently sharing the experience of not feeling seen or loved growing up, and finding themselves as an adult continuing to have this feeling, surrounded by people they feel don’t truly see them, nor can they ever seem to really find people who love them. This is an example of how as a child we formulate what reality is about via our developing human brain, and take in what is happening, and come up with an answer.
My parent wasn’t present for me/ didn’t touch me/ didn’t say I love you/ wasn’t there when I cried, therefore there is something wrong with me/ I am unlovable/ I am bad.
Often this is a repetitive experience, over and over entering the experience and unconscious of the child, over and over feeling rejected or not getting the “right results”. Children are wired for love. They want reassurance, affection, touching, love. When they don’t get it they formulate opinions about themselves, usually, and sometimes the world. Our child’s mind is pretty focused on Self as Center of the Universe, so usually its internalized as a self-judgement. From this place of self-judgement, the child may make a whole series of decisions, such as
Maybe if I try harder they’ll love me. And become over-achievers, going for the highest sights possible.
Its hopeless, I am bad, there is nothing else I can be. Often these become engaged in rougher and criminal activities, drinking, drug use and teenage promiscuity.
If I help mom (or dad) get through this, they will be able to love me. This is the saving complex where the empathic child learns to save their parents and others for the reward of getting love.
I won’t try, I am broken, there is something wrong with me. Never tries to do or be anything, often self-destructive and/or suicidal.
These are just a few examples to illustrate how these beliefs get embedded deeply into the unconscious of our developing child’s mind, and how we might choose to compensate for them. Through the work I offer, especially with Awake! Breathwork sessions, we surface these old stuck beliefs in an effort to heal them. These moments of high trauma or repetitive trauma can create soul loss, a place where a part ourselves become lost, out of body, back in space or time. All too often these parts are found in an old bedroom or basement of the childhood home or grandparent’s house, left behind.
When we can recognize how our child self was scared and part of us left, we re-imagine the experience as if it were our own child, or a friend’s child, what would we say to him/her? Would we say “yes, you are bad, there is really something wrong with you” to this child? Most likely not! More often what I hear is, “I would hug that child and tell her that its not her fault her mom can’t be more present right now. Mom didn’t mean to hurt you” (in many cases). Often there is an invitation to hug that child we see in our mind’s eye, to give the love and acceptance right then and there, if the child is open to receiving. If not, this could be a longer process over time, re-visiting this place in future breathwork sessions, during Soul Painting sessions, Active Dream Re-entry Work, and more.
This is also where we introduce a shift in perspective. At that age, children believe their parents are God and Goddess Who Know All. It couldn’t be further from the truth. When we discover how we saw our parents back then, and look at their lives, choices, and their own upbringing, we might notice they were ill-equipped to provide for us a safe, loving, reassuring place (as an example) if they themselves never knew it. I do not say this is always the case – as any of us can transform at any time – but usually the generation that follows is more conscious than the one before. Can we have compassion for our wounded parent, who grew up deprived of the same things we were deprived of?
Maybe its not as it seemed back then – maybe I’m not bad, maybe I’m not broken, maybe I’m not unlovable… perhaps it was just my child’s perspective. And that can shift, bringing in the flood of love, compassion, and acceptance for myself, just as I am. I am part of the Divine, just as I am.