I’ve had some sweet folks respond to my last post with encouraging suggestions of how to find the home I want for myself. I am touched. Do not worry, I still know how to manifest. I can still help teach you how to manifest your dreams by healing the unconscious. I can and will manifest an amazing new home. When I am ready. However, I am not ready for a new home. I’m in deep inquiry as to where the right place to be is for me.
This is what I meant by saying I felt like I was walking through Purgatory in my last post. Its like one of my dreams where I peel back the wallpaper and walk behind the worlds, the place inbetween. Its not a time of creation. Its not a time to build. Its a time to see what’s happening on the backend, behind everything that is visible. I know this makes people uncomfortable. They like to see people who are healers as radiant and successful. I am also that. I have traversed all worlds, the above bright world, and the dark underworld below. What is less understood is the below.
In 2015 when I was thrown from my horse, I had no idea I was embarking on a journey through the underworld. Instead of changing how I felt (hard to do when in pain) I became more and more gracious with accepting what is. I could not change the time off I needed to recover, which really stretched for over a year. I had to release my ambitions and drive to let my body have time to recuperate. It was two weeks from the anniversary from my fall when I finally felt my spirit re-enter my body. “Here I am.” I noted. The shock of impact had knocked me right out of my skin!
To heal I had to surrender
I had to let go making things happen. I have a strong ability to make things happen – this is not broken. But what I’ve gained is listening more to myself, and what I’m really up for, and pacing to match my energy. And in the slower quieter times, I painted and listened to my energy, and my soul showed me I was down in the underworld looking for lost soul parts (found ‘em) and dissolving belief structures I had.
I say I’m still in purgatory as I haven’t finished deconstructing and letting go, but I’m right up there close to the surface so I can walk over any time. Witness to a lot of things, including visions of what I’d like, and in process of carefully weighing them, looking for holes, feeling into which part of me wants them, and why, as I know what I intend will come true and I want to be sure this is the path that wants to unfold for me. But first? I still have the backend to deal with. I have a lot of work to do for physically lightening my load, which is part of why had a big art sale the first weekend of December (I still have art on sale for anyone who missed it!) I also have a lot of boring back-endy things to do like deal with my business structure and finances. I have tons of things to take care of. So for me, its a gift to have time to address letting things go, and I am OK with my humble housing arrangements while I do so. This is a gift. When I got super busy a few years back, I let slide all the other stuff that supports my life in the long haul.
And now its all about the long haul.
Its that critical time of my life where I do actually want to build a solid foundation that will carry me the rest of the way through my life without much effort, being as I’m nearing 50 years of age, past my mid-point. So I am examining and dissolving habits, involvements, hobbies, pet projects, that are not in support of honing in on exactly what makes my heart sing the most. This is huge as I have a ton of interests and projects. As a Taurus sun sign, my personality self loves to collect things, especially art supplies and “potential materials” including costuming, which I used to do, but don’t any longer. More than I can keep up with. I am shifting where my time and energy goes. I need lots of mental and spiritual space for that.
I’m dealing with my own personal psychology that likes to take on too much, do too much, and puts my energy in a lot of different directions. I absolutely love so many things – life is a fun playground. And my puer spirit has had a terrific time the past 20 years. Now I’m letting Saturn step in with a wiser take. I am listening carefully.
For one of my psychology class assignments around research, we were asked to set an intention. I set an intention learn as much as I could from school, and reframe this time as one of deep investigation, not just “getting things done.” When I listen, I see a ship heading toward the sun that is beyond a shining doorway. I have my whale guide, and flying books for company. Three fish show up to assist.
I have backed away from using intention as the main driving force in my life, something that I learned 14 years ago to use liberally. I have manifested a great many things with my intention – I am aware of it’s power. I am aware that intention can be a source of great energy, and drive me in a direction that doesn’t have solid enough foundations to be in alignment with my true purpose. So now I use it sparingly and only when I’m 100% sure on what it is I want to manifest. For instance, I have not set my intention to manifest a new home yet, as I do not want to run over the subtle cues of Spirit, which is guiding me even at a time I don’t feel wind in my sails. I’m opening to a bigger trust. I know how to make things happen. But this time of my life, I want much bigger things to happen, that will go the distance with me, taking me to the finish line. I can spend my days manifesting lots of little visions – a new home, for instance, which would be a lot of effort and would also contain me, nail me down if it were. I don’t care for moving much. But, I do not yet feel the energy flow for manifesting a home. I haven’t gotten the green light, or had the way open, a process of feeling into energy much the same way as when I am soulcentric painting, feeling into each color, line, and dot. I prefer to listen to the flow of energy, which after 7 years of practice I have learned to trust.
There are a bunch of practical concerns that feel more important at this time, for me to put my attention on. My intention then, is to fully embrace this period of not knowing, to be curious, and to pay attention… but not assert my will over anything. I’m more interested to see what is new that wants to emerge. I do not want to set intentions when my plans may be too small… I’m willing to go bigger with my dreaming, and to allow plenty of room. So, creative living arrangements are just perfect while I gather all my knowledge, wisdom, and energy underneath me without the pressures of high overhead, this may be a more worthy allowance than executing an intention.
Intentions can also be tricky, its one of their shortcomings. The way to hell is paved with good intentions, so the saying goes, implying intentions are not the end-all-be-all that many make them out to be. They can also be deceitful and mislead. I was tricked by my intention of buying my last home. I was told it’d be up for sale in a few years. I’d made my intentions to buy it known, and we settled in for the long haul, instead of purchasing a fixer upper during the housing crash, because we loved this place so much. After 9 years of intending to stay forever, we were asked to leave. Wanting things doesn’t always mean getting them. Positive thinking is soothing but doesn’t make the world behave. It also doesn’t mean I didn’t believe hard enough. It just wasn’t meant to be. The best laid intentions can get us in a pickle.
The universe is a big place, and we do not rule the universe. My landlady’s reality is also part of the factor as to whether our intention comes true or not. The rebuttal by many is “it was meant to be the way it unfolded” and that may be true in a pre-planned universe on some level that trusts someone out there has a friggin’ plan. Its a nice thought that someone knows what they are doing and is preoccupied with the minutia of my life, but on some level, shit just happens. And we deal with it. Instead of seeking a spiritual platitude, the more alive space for me to move into is accepting what is, and choosing next what I want to do. And knowing, ultimately, I’m ok. I am in relation to that part of me that is eternal and knows this is a fun game here on earth.
If all this talk of uncertainty and not knowing makes you uncomfortable, that might be a good thing. One thing I notice is if I have trouble with something, it could be a growing edge. Something getting my attention. I often turn towards those moments of discomfort, to see what I am rejecting or making wrong.
Its ok to dissolve. Its ok to fall apart. I’m a deeply feeling type. I have to turn over each stone and mourn its loss. I still cry for all the rocks and trees I left behind at my last house. I’m deeply attached, to everything and everyone. To lose my home and the hopes and dreams I had there takes time for me to process. I do not wish to enter into a new relationship with a new home until I’m really ready to call in the right one.
Its been a tough year. And, I’m fine. I am ok being with all the feelings, and spending this time working to heal family patterns that came right back to the surface upon moving onto my mother’s property. I got to spend a few months shifting my relational dynamic every day until I have found my center while walking with family who was part of my traumatic upbringing and PTSD. And with grace I’m using all my years of self-knowledge, skills, therapy, and healing to return (always returning, we’re not static) to my center and not listen to what anyone else has to say about my life. I observe who has an opinion or reaction, this has been an interesting process. It never seizes to amaze me how people withdraw from those who are perceived to be having a hard time, and I put other people’s voices in their rightful places. Most are also not aware how absolute paradox can exist side by side. I can be having a hard time moving through healing childhood wounds directly with family members, while also feeling a profound sense of freedom, and be completely present for the clients who show up in my office. My own willingness to walk my path is what makes me a better witness and reflector. So I welcome the challenge. Leave no stone unturned.
I hope my story inspires you in some way. If it does, feel free to leave a note in the comments. In no way do I suggest walking in the underworld or purgatory alone, and I have help too. We can get stuck down there. I want to assure you I’m not stuck, I’m just busy with my internal landscape. Its been a rich time.
My next post is all about Listening vs. setting Intentions. Stay tuned for that coming out in the next few days.
Love to you all.
Mardi
